Anxious Friday

No soundtrack… just mania

Earlier Today…

I’m numb at the moment; a patient under anesthesia (metaphorically). A shadow is cutting into me with the sharpest edge of the scalpel, slicing into the deepest parts of me, yet all I can feel is an uncomfortable pressure. I know if I were to feel the full extremity of its actions, it would be unbearable.

I needed my anxiety medicine again today.

Yesterday, I was in a perfectly zombified state. I was clear. I could focus on tasks at hand and block out the things I did not want to focus on. I was productive and thorough and didn’t really feel anything. It was there of course, the shadowy demon behind the thinly veiled curtain, sneering at me, running its claws along the cloth. But it could not reach me, could not devour me whole, gnash me between its teeth and lick my soul from its snout.

Today’s been a joke.  I’m tagged and bagged and my demons are preparing for a feast tonight.

The agitation crept in slowly, building and building and building until I had my daughter in tears because I just look mad everytime she asked a question about her God Blessed Distant Learning lesson.

She’s in 4^th grade, ADD, Dyslexic and struggles with her reading and spelling. And I’m working from home, sharing my work laptop with her.  No stress there! This, however, is not the reason my anxiety was through the roof.

I never realized before I saw a doctor that anxiety could manifest as agitation and anger. I rarely feel this way anymore, however this is the second time this week.

When I heard her words and the tone of my own voice, I was up and looking through my purse like a heart failure patient digging for their meds to stave off a heart attack.

---

Now its nightfall.

Current Soundtrack: Final Fantasy 7 the Remake being played in the background

Raindrops decorate the outer shell of my upstairs window. Streetlights make a nice bokeh through the blind’s slats. The pups lay about, gnawing on their new bones and my daughters’ laughter can be heard from down the hall.

I’m emotionally blank.

I drew a line today, stood up for how I felt, and declined to discuss a topic I couldn’t handle, with someone I couldn’t handle having it with. This is new for me…

This isn’t my typical post fare; erratic and all over the place…

I’ll leave you with some imagery, for what it’s worth. Tomorrow is Saturday. Maybe tomorrow will show up and be kind. We shall see.

~Cheers

All Rights Reserved | © 2020 S.K.Malcolm